who i am.

i sent a very important e-mail to my school's financial aid office today. and now, the enemy is trying to weave another web of fear into my mind and heart because i've just beat my own schedule, sending the e-mail 24 hours before my deadline, and 24 hours after i've composed it-- kind of declaring war against these brewing worries in me. declaring war against doubt, against the fear that's choking my goals and dreams.

still, i feel a little detached from reality because i have just gone into the deep zone of unfamiliarity. i've just jumped off the cliff with my eyes closed waiting for myself to land on ... ? i'm not sure exactly. and now, my mind's trying to quickly coax itself with the old deception that i can't go through more than what i've been through, and that i should just turn back. how could i do that to myself? what a coward.

i've said it a hundred times, to myself, to others, to strangers i've met these past weeks, to God.
I AM SCARED. i am so scared.

i know i shouldn't be, because i know my God will catch me. but i still have this sick feeling in my stomach, this anxiety in the back of my neck. i feel like i have to say it five-hundred more times, before it leaves my system.

like said in my previous posts, i'm going through a lot of changes, and i'm so glad that i am. but right now, i kind of feel like a blank map waiting to be filled out, and frankly, i don't know whether i'm doing this right or wrong, or worse, how to start, and how to keep going. at times i feel so sure, and at times i feel completely lost.

"Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become"
-Brooke Fraser, c.s. lewis song

before this entry, i was thinking to myself, analyzing my ever-changing persona. i thought, i kind of don't know who i am. i'm not sure whether i've really had a list of favorites, you know answers to those questions when you first meet someone. it's kinda weird, because i'm a planner, and yet, i'm such a floater. my mind seems to be easily distracted by the smallest things and notions. (that's a good thing on keeping a creative mind, with open eyes and heart to those "wow" moments.. but.. ) there are things that i'll keep at for a while, and then lose interest afterward. i guess i can say there are various things off the top of my head that i can sorta list to say that is forever a part of me, but then again i fear that those things aren't as permanent as i thought they'd be. like i always say, there is one thing certain and forever unchanging in my life, and that's Jesus' love for me. i'm glad i have that to hold on to.

here's what i have to say about the big change to come. i've already begun, with such a small informal email, i better prepare with prayer for the tidal waves about to wash over. as for being numb and in the comfort zone, i say this time, i'd rather jump into roaring waves that'll take me out of castaway island and into ... i'm not sure yet. i don't want to go where i've already been. "in the words of an aussie bloke (Brian Houston!), THE BEST IS YET TO COME!"

and so, i have just about written enough for a chapter of a book in day's post, i've also kind of calmed myself in releasing all this tension in my heart. and of course, like always, God is so good, after ranting about my worries and etc, he equips me and sends me His beautiful assurance that He is here with me, every step of my crazed life. that even if i pee my pants in stupid anxiety, He will still be there, sending me encouraging words and His amazing love through other people, not just through my Bible, prayers and meditation. He truly provides and surrounds me with all that i need.

so i've kinda been reading and returning to reread Jill McCloghry's recent entries. such great testimonies of faith! her words have been so encouraging to me, and i am so blessed by her story.

"so... as the enemy began his attack on my heart... Gracious Jesus stepped in with truth that is sewn in to the fabric of who I am... and truth began spilling on every doubt."
-Jill McCloghry

 after reading her post biggest-little-treasure, i kind of stepped back and stopped picking on myself about trivial matters and details of who i am, my likes and dislikes and was reminded of the "GREAT, I AM." all these little things kind of melt away when i'm reminded of how complete i am in Him. He takes me just as i am, crazy and confused, and Jill's snapshot kinda sums it all up for me. comforting the very core of my heart and soul.

Philippians 4:13, I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me.
there's His answer to my lack of strength and courage. there's His encouragement to keep pushing forward, even if i can't see the base of the cliff i've just jumped off. in the end He's gonna be there, and everything is gonna be okay. there's His comforting love while i'm secretly battling panic in the very core of my being.

last quote for the night, ...

You'll INCREASE the blessing & DECREASE the stress; when you DECREASE the worry & INCREASE the prayer! -Brian Houston, Hillsong Church

as i've been encouraged, i hope some small part of this post also helped you. just paying a little something forward. i best get on to praying and give all of this craziness to Him.