bad or good? a little of both.
i can't believe i'm saying this, (because i've been refusing to say this all the while..) "can't wait to get home"
first, because i really don't want to call los angeles home anymore, because i've left my heart in melbourne, australia. really have. i guess i kinda feel like that country girl who feels like she's made for the city, new york, hollywood, or whichever big town it is, JUST THE REVERSE. i want to get away from los angeles, i don't think that's the city i'm meant to live in. sure, i really honestly love los angeles, for the most part, but after being away from it for so long now, (the longest now, last time i was away, was a little over a month...) i feel so detached from it, like i see it from the outside now, and i really don't feel like going back in.
second, i still kind of don't want to go home. i feel like being away from home helps me think clearly about what - i - want, and not what people expect of me.
it's kinda hard stepping away from that when you've been used to that all your life... being a kid, a teen, and now an adult fully realizing that i do get to make my own decisions, and as much as it is liberating, somehow it's frightening, i feel like my heart keeps jumping out of my chest when i sit down to take myself seriously.
hmmm, los angeles, back to routines, schedules, zipping by weekends, and zooming by freeways. although, i guess when i go back this time around, i'll be on a different routine, on the road less traveled. trading what i've known, and risking it for the future. change.
i'm glad God's got it all under control. He's got it all mapped out for me. and even though i feel a little invincible at the moment, i must remember to wear His armor and not mine, 'cause if i do wear mine, then i'm bound to be struck the first hour out into the battle field. God's shield is indestructible.
i'm overjoyed, so blessed, also because i just read Jill McCloghry's post about her little girl, Hayley and was so touched by her testimony.. and now as i'm looking over my life with this encouraging perspective and remembering that God sees everything bird's eye view, and from up there everything is so beautiful, my eyes well up with tears of joy, because with life's twists and turns and uncertainties, i know in my life, there's one thing that stands true, Jesus' amazing love. i just have to trust that all's well in His hands.
WOW, my God is so amazing.
so, i know there are reasons for every circumstance in our lives. being stranded here in manila for almost a month now, when i only hoped to stay for a week,... i didn't realize, would be so life-changing. i've been able to think and really analyze my options of what i want to do in the future. honestly, and most importantly, it's a place that i get to really sit and talk to God, and LISTEN to Him.
i think i'm not supposed to be home yet because He's giving me all this time to think and consult with Him about my heart's desires. i'm supposed to be here in manila not just on a holiday limbo, but more purposefully to readjust my life's lenses. after being so so pumped in australia not just at Hillsong but at my Aunt's local church, and just the overall atmosphere of worship that surrounded me, i was so blessed to be there. God refueled me, rejuvenated me, refreshed me, and now i'm on the follow up, still need some equpping for the big battle waiting at home... and when he thinks i'm ready, then he'll bring me home to los angeles.
My God is so Good. So Great. So Loving. I thank you Jesus that You have chosen me.
